Thinking i could solve my issues a little by changing environment...i wonder if it was stupid of me to think that. Of course its different, but i dont know if its better. I guess the answers are inside of me but im not ready to face them. I cant go back to where i was last year no matter how much i want to or how many tears i cry, so its better if i just keep it all in check for now, and block it away. If i ever will be able to really face responsability for it....i do not know. Maybe if things ever got that good again, i will. Which i doubt, because i cant see how circumstances could ever be even remotely similar
I am so numb but no one can see it. I put on this face for everyone and they think of me as this bitchy confident chick.
i like Mariah's latest album. Thanks, Vince. Though i dont apreciate you clogging my i-touch with Whitney's music, too. I even forgot to delete it. But memoirs is really good.
Havent slept again. Of course i dont make any sense. Im only writing this to get my thoughts a little into order and i just realize how much of a mess my mind is, and that my hand cant write well cause of fatigue. And still im telling others they should rest..geez. Still, i dont want anyone feeling like i am now.
Maybe it wasn't there to begin with
that fun, sad, and kind story.

Maybe it was a dream or illusion.
Maybe I slept too long.

In the season when I can feel
the smell of summer in the blue sky
I remember a face.

The scenery of the city began to distort
I searched for sunglasses
so I could lose all the colors.

What I wanted to be?
Not a princess.
What I wanted to have?
Not glass slippers.

What I wanted to be?
I wanted to be with you.
What I wanted to have?
Was your smiling face.

The wind and the smell of summer
cut through today's sky.
It's ok so I agreed
Because if it's fate like we said
then we can meet again somewhere.

la la la la la la i...
It's ok so I agreed.
la la la la la la...
Because I'm so strong.


....i dont wanna talk about it

So i have to think of where im gonna move at the end of august...i have no idea whats gonna happen yet, things are just so weird right now, i just cant believe so many bad things happened in such a short period of time. Nothing bad comes alone, right? well, yeah...and im so sorry for my mum's cat, he is dying and she had him for so long, i grew up with him. Ah, i feel like throwing up, im so crushed..i dont see any way out for now.
I have to start translating Vera's entries, this will take a long time. Its only for me and him to see, or maybe if someone else comes back, they will see it also. But 3 notebooks ^^''' i should get going, at least this task i need to finish.
On another note, on my last test in PR i had to make up a concert, with flyers and posters and info, a full fledged presentation and campaign, and i used Gackt. (meh, i cant get to write his name in caps, for now). I think i got my teacher and classmates shocked, i didnt plan to show much of who he is, but a girl googled him on the spot. her reaction ''this person..they are kind of porn o_O'' it was priceless. But i got them really interested in ''that unsual person'' so thats a good thing, haha. Still, they couldnt believe the ticket prices and the whole show, they kept asking if its for real. They liked Vanilla.
I talked to Ralf again after so long. I shouldnt have, probably. He didnt forget about me, but i dont think he understands, and im tired of pretending, i just want to rest and stop hiding my feelings. Of course, he assumed things..everyone does. I wish there were more people who could see me for who i really am, and beyond my words.
I went swimming at a friends pool, at 4 am. I wanna live somewhere where its warm all the time, so i could do this every night. I love swimming...
I'd better start translating, it will take my mind off things.
Im so sorry for making such poor decisions. I should have known better.

Ive been pretty much in the dumps lately...
Luckily i got to have a long talk to Shu yesterday and that felt so much better. I missed her so, so much.
Tomorrow i really have to get my act together and start my reaserch project. I dont know which of the themes to choose, though. Im interested in the dictators and guns, but i would like something related to Japan, so i will prolly request that. I should go to the library and spend half of day there, i just have so much to do, school projects too, i have to give in an essay on thursday. Its about an investigation, so its easy, but i have to finish it already....
Gosh, Gackt's new single covers are simply insane. I screamed when i saw them. To wake up to that, its something, haha. It looks like hes some Ayu impersonator. I guess the controversy of it will make the singles sell better. For sure its original...
Ive seen this guy today that used to stalk me some years back. he didnt recognize me luckily, but seeing him felt weird, i remember i had to tell him im leaving country to get him off my back. Well i did leave, but...
'nywayz, will go have some dinner. Not hungry at all, but i suspect i should.

I cant believe i havent written in so long. Where is my promise? *smile*
I guess my thoughts were too much all over the place to even try and write them down. Ive had so many fights lately...thank God there is Gackt and Ayu, i dont know what i would do without their music and presence. Just to listen to my itouch, and it calms me down. I cant believe that, when Gackt was in my country, i had no idea about him. I mean, i knew, but i wasnt interested. I regret it now. I could have met him, for sure, with my type of part-time-job. I hope he wont retire next year...i just got into his music, so it would be pretty sad.
I need to get out of this city already, i need air!~~~i strongly feel there is something chocking me, constantly.
I should prolly go to school, today, and remember to renew my CC.
I have a casting for a big brother type show. I wonder if i should go, its not really my thing, but it would mean exposure. I guess we'll see.

My flu got worse instead of getting better...and i have a show to do on thursday :(. Before (on wednesday)  i have to get my lips done and thats gonna hurt like a bitch, only thinking of that pain plus the sore throat and crazy coughing. My mum keeps calling me, why does she care now, i dont know. I feel so out of it, like frozen. I wish i could talk to Seth, but i somehow end up talking with him only about things i dont really mean, when in my heart theres a total different story. How can you want to be so close and so far to a person, at the same time, beats me. He shouldnt be so nice to me, its not worth it. Or maybe im getting it all wrong, lol.
I hope my Next Level copy will be here next week sometime...

I wonder if posting in this will make me keep my thoughts together better..hmm. My thoughts being a mess lately, maybe i can organize them somehow. Well, i went shopping again for the first time since i moved here (again). I got Gaultier shoes and Juicy stuffs. Yay ^^. Too bad im sick, this needs to pass until monday...im fucked up if it doesnt...meh.
Shu where the hell are you?? Just email me already, i wanna know whats going on. I cant call you right now, because of my provider's problem.
Meh. Will go cook some pasta for dinner.